I was born to a hurricane
I never stop spinning
Ever since I was young, I have brought an energy of disruption to the lives around me. I walk into your life and rip up the floorboards, paint the walls in blood. I’m the splinter in your skin that you feel with every micro-movement. I’m the toxin that sticks to the walls of your lungs.
Most people have either demonized me for it or tried in vain to possess me—terrified that I might leave. Because they feel that I am simply passing through. That I am a stranger in these foreign lands, a non-native species, an ecological disaster that cannot stay. In my dreams I see butterflies that must be squashed, some genus transported from the deepest circle of hell that must be destroyed lest it ravage the local ecosystem. With every breath, I fill this space with turmoil and tumult. With every step I am widening the fault lines. I am digging my fingernails into the crevices of your earth, creating space for plagues to seep in.
I am a virus that strengthens the immune system or disables it. I am transformation in her purest form, a presence that provokes.
For years, I have tried to be something other than the resounding chord that awakens, the alarm bell on your neglected selves. I have tried to make myself soft and tame, a rabbit in a cage. But these meager attempts at domestication have always failed. I am a first house north node in Scorpio, an Uranus conjunct the IC. I am an agent of chaos whether I like it or not.
And I have decided that I like it.
I like to stir the silt in your waters. I like to be the shiver down your spine. I like to settle in to the spaces I’m not needed and make a home under your skin.
I like to be original sin.
Because for every Eden I fracture, there’s a heaven I claim. For every fall, there is a golden flame. For every crop I poison, there’s a fertilizer I lay. And there’s no fruit sweeter than the one that was grown in blame.
My now-infamous ex-best friend and business partner summoned me under Uranus in Taurus—their 7th house of partnerships. This is chaos magick that I would perform, because I am made for such disruptive energy. I am built to ride these waves. But they were woefully unprepared for what they had called in. They weren’t outfitted for this high voltage. And their infrastructure was fried.
“They’re posting as if nothing has happened!” they cried. And what else would I be doing? After they declared war on me, I wrote the best work of my life between bouts of crying on the floor. I moved through deep grief and extreme euphoria as if I was made for this—because I was.
I have the capacity to feel the full spectrum of emotion, to be publicly crucified without feeling victimized, and to transmute that energy into the most magnetic art.
I never wasted my breath trying to defend my innocence, my purity, my good name. Instead, I became the villain they cast me as.
I made contact with the part of me that desired this pain and I allowed them to consume me.
And I allowed that suffering to mold me into something bigger and greater, and more badass than ever before.
Just a few months before our falling out, in a terribly stagnant period, I summoned the ‘cyclone of change’ to transform my life. I accepted that I was not made for a quiet, comfortable, stable existence. I was made for extreme highs and lows. I was modeled after the cyclone herself. I could keep fighting it if I so desired but I couldn’t will it away. I could either accept my fate or let it drag me to hell.
So I chose the inferno. I cast myself down to hell.
That one choice kicked off an absolute firestorm in my life. And I rode it like no one else could. I rode it right to my highest expression, to my most creative work, to my boldest evolution.
I stand before you today as the embodiment of those choices.
If you feel triggered or titillated by what I have to say these days, you have the cyclone to thank.
Personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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Special thanks to Adriana Michelle for supporting this publication. <333
This this this. You’ve put words to what I’ve felt my entire life. And what sexy fucking delicious words they are
A force to be reckoned with, but even greater than. I love you xx